Unbuckling out of the carseat…..

There are two areas that I did not enjoy doing, the more kids I had….driving and shopping. One child was ok to take out into public, even though he screamed just about every time we rode in the car until he was big enough to turn around facing forward, I could always keep an eye on him. Thankfully, he grew fast! Two kids, were ok. When I got to three kids, I only had two hands. I had to wear the baby in a sling, but he also came with monitors for several months. One child needed to learn to walk beside, and hold on to me or his sister’s hand. After that, I had to trust that they were taught well enough that I could trust them to walk beside, but even now, I still constantly count kids.

Child number two always had someone to play with or look at in the car, so she was ok until the dreadful day that she learned how to unbuckle herself out of her carseat. Life became miserable for me driving and going places. I would buckle her into her seat, and before I could even get in my seat, she was already unbuckled and out, laughing and so very proud of herself. A firm “No. You must stay in your seat” was not enough for her. She was too young to understand all the safety reasons for staying in her seat. I spent several occasions sitting in a parking lot waiting out this child to get tired so that we could just go home. How many times can you put a child back in their seat only to have them climb back out again? Too many! It was NOT funny. One particular day, I knew my husband was on his way home from work. I called him and had him meet me in the parking lot. This sort of surprised and maybe scared her, but was only a temporary solution. When my husband was driving, several times I had to sit next to her to keep her from unbuckling. This went on for several days, but seemed like weeks. We had to come up with a solution. She did understand “no” and “stay buckled”, and some consequences and rewards, just not all the safety issues of why we do things. She took it as a challenge. She was going to win.

Then one desperate day, when I had several errands to run, an idea came to me. “Do you some french fries? We can stop and get fries if you stay in your seat…. If you get out. No fries.” I repeated it carefully, slowly, making sure she understood. Yes, I resorted to bribing….sort of. I also told her, “If you get out of your seat, MOMMY will eat your fries.” Her eyes got big. I knew she was going to test it. I finish strapping her in, and closed the door. She started to unbuckle. I tapped on the window and told her, “No fries.” She moved her hand. I got in my seat, started the car, and she was out of her seat bouncing around behind to me. I turned the car off, went around, buckled her in, and explained the whole thing again. This time I said, “Mommy, is going to get fries for mommy and brother, …..not for you, because you did not stay in your seat. You must stay in your seat. Now we are going to get fries.” She looked at me all confused, but she stayed in her seat this time. I went to the closest drive thru and ordered two small fries. I gave one to her brother, and I started eating the other one. She got right out of her seat. I reminded her why she didn’t get any. I got out and put her back, and we talked about why she didn’t get any, and that she had to obey and stay in her seat. She cried. I told her next time she might get some if she stayed in her seat. Maybe we will stop again. We went a few places, and then we stopped for ice cream. She was able to get ice cream for staying in her seat.

Eventually, the rewards (bribes) became smaller and less frequent. This child would take any opportunity for a challenge to win. I had to find something that would be more rewarding for her than a “win”, even at such a young age.

The next issues came as we had more children. They started to all want to sit in the middle row, or next to the window, or next to the baby…and then fights started happening. So this needed to be dealt with.

So here are some of the Fike Van Rules….

• Assigned seats. Everyone always sits in the same seat. The only exceptions are Dad and Mom or…
• The oldest child present may sit in the front seat if it is available and they are legally big enough.
• No fighting, arguing, shouting, throwing, or distracting behavior.
• If you are going to sing, you sing with what is being played on the speakers.
• If mom is in the drive thru, you do not speak or you will get nothing. This stopped all of the “can I have…” and changing minds at the last minute.
• If the order from the drive thru is wrong, you get what you get and you are thankful.
• If mom orders for you, you get what you get, and you are thankful. Some days, mom only has so much money, or we are too rushed for long orders so mom orders what it best and they are happy with what they get or they can wait until we get home to eat. (We are certainly not starving or going all day without food. Most likely, they have eaten within a few hours.)
• Any car problems will result in consequences. It can be loss of treats. I have been known to stop at a drive thru if a few are giving me a hard time and ordering something for those who are behaving….even if it is only ME. (Hey, moms need to be rewarded for not losing it in the car if they are all being bad.) This instantly stops all bad behavior. Sometimes, the consequences wait until we get home, with extra chores or sitting on the step or no treats later in the day. Delayed consequences are sometimes more effective.
• If mom pulls over, there will be serious trouble when we get home. Mom will wait until the trouble has stopped before we move again.

There will ALWAYS be one who will test you on the rules. They did. It rarely happened again. We do not have a problem going through a drive thru. The older children tell the younger children to behave, and what mom has done in the past. Now, if the younger ones are arguing, the oldest looks at me, smiles, and says, “How about we stop at ………and I’ll get something for just you and me?” It was obviously effective.

Shopping…

This was also becoming a problem as we had more kids. I could put one in the seat of the shopping cart, one in the back, but then someone had to walk…and then where do the groceries go…so someone else had to walk or baby had to be in the sling…

Here are some of the Fike Shopping Rules….

• Hands on the basket until old enough that I trust them.
• Do not touch things.
• If you bring me something and ask for it, the answer is automatically “no.”
• If I say “no”, do not ask again.
• You may ask politely for something and accept the answer.
• You may help me by getting things that I ask you to get.
• Any fighting, arguing, or bad behavior in the store will guarantee no treats at the end of the trip. Yes, I frequently reward good behavior with some kind of extra treat not on the list. It the behavior persist, consequences at home.

Some things that will help shopping trips go easier…

• Plan ahead, make a list of what you need and where you need to go. Kids want to know where they are going, how long they will be out, how long they are expected to “be good”….or even when they will eat next.
• Don’t take hungry, tired or already irritable kids shopping with you. Take care of their needs first and then you will have a better trip. Feed them first. Several times, we have had to deal with heart issues before going out because someone was having a bad morning. I also try to keep granola bars and water bottles in the van incase we are out longer than expected or incase someone doesn’t eat before going out.
• If you do have to take a tired whiny child in the store. Tell them that you know they are tired/whiny, but we have to get…. and you will be as quick as you can. Sometimes you have to be the mom with the crying kid to get a few things. Don’t yell at them or get irritated with them. Stay calm, continue on, reassure them that you are almost done, you only need…. Your calmness will help them stay calm. Other parents have been there. They understand. What they don’t understand is another parent being irritated by a sick, or tired, or whiny child.
• I try not to leave a store if a child is misbehaving. If you have trained your children to obey, and they are not hungry or tired, or have a physical need, you should be able to enjoy shopping and get through it without much trouble. Most of the misbehaving can be dealt with quickly and quietly. If they are misbehaving bad enough that I need to leave a store, (for example, disturbing everyone around us) we will either go to the car and discuss the behavior, correct the problem, and go back in….or go home if it is not correctable quickly. We have done both.
• Expect that shopping with kids will take much longer than going by yourself. It just will. No explanation needed.
• Talk to your kids quietly and calmly in the store. There is nothing more disturbing to me than to hear a mother or father yelling or speaking harshly at their children “Pick up your feet”, “knock it off”, “get over here”, or even much worse…. You can get the same point across quietly and calmly without causing a scene or disturbing those around you.
• I tell my kids all the time, you don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself. Adults should not either.
• Let you kids know how to behave ahead of time. Don’t expect that they know. In the early days, I would go over a few of the rules before we went into the store. They need to know what is expected of them.

This last area, is one we are still working on, is the restroom. Even though I tell my kids to “go” before we leave, one still always needs “to go”. I have had my fair share of “clean-ups” in the aisles, so I don’t like risking making them wait. I have also warned them of the dangers of strangers in restrooms, and the uncleanliness of public restrooms. It is hard when you have boys and girls. You can’t take boys in the ladies room once they get so big, and they can’t go into the men’s by themselves, and you can’t let them wait outside while you take the girls in….It was a huge struggle for a while. Thankfully, I think we are beyond safe to let my boys go or wait, but the little girls still need supervision. So for now, we try to prevent this as much as possible, but we still have one that “needs to go” just about everywhere we go. It is a work in progress, and it takes time to train them.

I know this ended up being longer than I wanted it to be. These are just a few things that have helped us with driving and shopping through the years with five kids. Hope it helps.